Sorry for the long absence...my life is not all about sex lol. That's actually 5% of it...I would like to think Anyways, I will be back to update on Wednesday. Just letting you all know that I am not gone yet. I have a science exam on Wednesday...after the exam I will fill you in on all the juice.

Can you guys really imagine me being a medical doctor? Hahaha!

My Conscience....

is biting me. I keep telling myself that I need to stop...break up this whole thing with Victor. But it's hard. My boyfriend (Chris) and I are having problems, and I know it's all about trust. To have faith. He wants to get married to me...but for some reason these last couple months have been really rocky. He believes in this whole "abstinence only" thing...and believe me, I did at one point as well. Now that I'm with Chris, I want to be with him, but I can't deal with him allowing us to do things and then turning around and changing his mind. It's okay for me to give him oral for three months, but then later it's not okay and we can't do anything. Vaginal sex is completely out of the question...but then anal is okay for awhile. Sorry for throwing out all of these terms, but you get it.

Then a couple of days ago he confessed to me that he had a porn addiction. That he has been lying to me about giving up porn...mind you I never even knew that he watched porn regularly until about a month ago. When he first told me, he said he used to watch it in the beginning of the year, but that he had stopped. Now a couple of nights ago he told me that he's still been watching it. He says that he is actually addicted to it. At first...I thought nothing of it, it's no big deal, it's just porn. But that's what it starts out as...just porn. But the fact that he does not have sex with me at all...and yet is so quick to watch porn is troubling to me. Do you see how are relationship is so messed up?

I wish that instead of watching all this fake stuff on his computer, he would do something with me. All of this stuff is a huge problem in the relationship because it drives me to do stuff with someone else. He knows this...I told him that his inability to do anything with me is going to drive me one day to get it from someone else. Well it all started with that Kenyan (Tom, which is a whole story on its own) about a month and a half ago. This was already after our one year anniversary...

A Night of Passion

I decided to be interesting today and give this post a title for once. This past Thursday was Victor's birthday. He is now 29 years old, and for some reason he did not want to celebrate it. I made him a cake on Friday (which came out alright to say the least...think something is wrong with the oven). He came over Friday...and I don't know...the second I saw him I just wanted him, in ways which I knew I shouldn't. He came into my room, laid back on my bed...and that was all I needed. Within five minutes we were kissing and touching on my bed. And within an hour we had decided to go back to his apartment to have sex...but then changed our minds and had done it in my room instead.

We had to be quiet about it because my flatmate was in her room just a few feet away from mine. There were times where I was afraid his moaning would alert her to what was going on, so I had to try to quiet him down. But that was probably the best sex of my life at the time. The thing about Victor's penis is that it's not the longest...more like the average length, but it's pretty wide (almost coke bottle status kind of wide). I don't want men to think it's all about size though, because really its all about how you use it. As long as you are not absolutely deficient in that department (like small and skinny) you will be fine, but maybe you also have to have some kind of connection to that person.

So yeah....right after we had sex, my boyfriend called. I felt bad to say the least, so Victor decided to take me out to the movies to make up for it. While in the movie theatre...I started to feel a little horny. I'm a horny person...I'm not even going to lie about it. So I whispered that to him in the theatre and he was like "wow, I've never had sex in the movie theatre before." I never thought about going that far in the movie theatre, but I didn't mind giving him a handjob. He unzipped his pants and I stuck my hands in and after about a minute or two...we decided to stop. It was kind of obvious, we were not in the very back (more like the middle) and there were people around. That made for a very bad combination.

After the movie we went back to his apartment for some more sex. It was really just unbelievable that day, each round lasting for at least 30 minutes. After the first round we had after the movie theatre my dad called. I got in trouble for being on the phone too much the past month (talking on the phone for over 3,000 minutes and texting over 2,000 times). Well...when you are as lonely as I am taking summer classes, one might understand. I only have one good friend who I would actually "hang out" with and even then she goes away some weekends. So yeah...I do make a lot of calls, and text a lot. The vast majority going to my boyfriend who I miss so much. I know....I miss my boyfriend and yet I am having sex with someone else. It's a complicated relationship which I hope to explain.

After getting my ear talked out from my dad, Victor and I had sex again. Then I slept over at his place, and went back to mine in the morning. Although when we woke up, Victor tried to have sex with me again...but I was bruised for the night before and that was not going to happen.

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to have sex anymore...that I need to wait until I get married. But it's so hard....when guys keep throwing themselves at you. Consistently, sometimes to the point of harrassement. After being through that so much, you are bound to give in. Victor was like that...when we first saw each other this summer...he was always flirting...always touching me. Even when I would tell him to stop...he would just keep going. Always feeling my breasts (with his hands and mouth) and trying to put his hands in my pants. He has been a friend of mine for over two years now, and to be honest we were kind of dating before my current boyfriend. When I broke up with him because my boyfriend Chris caught my eye, and we went to the same school, while Victor and I was a long distance thing...and it was too hard for me. I constantly found myself looking for something else, thinking that there had to be more than this. Victor wanted to marry me...he would talk about how his people would come over to my parents house and formalize it and everything.

Apparently I was his first love in the U.S., he's a great guy, but we're the same height. I'm a tall girl, 5'9" (well not that tall), but I can't be with a guy the exact same height as me. I have no doubt he will find a wonderful girl for him though. He's definitely going to be able to support a family as he's studying pharmacy, and will be done with his schooling in two years. Any degree related to pharmacy that one can have...he will have it. He's not ugly and good in bed...it will only be a matter of time.

That's all for today.

The purpose of this blog was originally to write about the past. To write about all of the craziness that has happened, and yet...things are still happening. If I wrote only about things sequentially, then you would miss on what's going on with me now. I am going to talk about both...and we have to see how it comes out.

Last night, Victor* had a soccer (football for some) match, and so he picked me up after class to go and watch the game. After the match he was going to take me back to my place, and on the way back, the topic of sex came up. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. We have had together 1 1/2 times. I say the 1/2 because the first time we had started...but my conscious kicked in and I had to tell him to stop. So Victor was telling me how guys like it when girls are responsive to them. How they like to hear a girl moan and stuff...just to know that they are enjoying it. I'm not the type to be screaming, moaning and stuff, I always thought that was for the porn movies (which I do not watch). He also said that I am very quite during sex...for reasons which I had already mentioned.

Where we are located (temporarily I should mention...me for my schooling, him for an internship), it is extremely hot. I had sent him a text a couple days back telling him that I can't believe it gets so hot down here, and he jokingly replied that I should come over to his place and take a shower, I replied that I might actually take him up on it one day. He recalled that conversation in the car and said that I should come over and take a shower at his place. I said no, that I could not do that, and that I was going to go back to my apartment. About two minutes away from my apartment, he was telling me that I need to practice. Asked what positions I had done, and said that I needed to be open to experimentation. I said I was, but that I just have not had the chance to be. Victor is such a guy, he told me that he was here and he could show me new things.

So long story short....we went back to his place took a shower together, and had sex...twice. If you are expecting details...then you're out of luck. The most I will say is that he was definitely trying to show me quite a few new positions...and I actually allowed myself to make a bit of noise. But it's funny because the first time he started it, I was just confused about how I felt about it...so he would try things and I would just laugh, and I actually was trying to make conversation with him.


*Real names are not used in this or any post.

I don't know who is going to be reading this blog, but I'm not writing it for anyone but myself. My life has been crazy for the past couple years, and I found myself doing things that I never thought in my wildest dreams I would do. Maybe in writing this blog, it would be a kind of therapy for me. Perhaps it will help me learn a way to truly get a handle on my situation, or I will be able to find the person that I used to be.

Well I'm not going to put too much sentiment into this. That's it for now.