My Conscience....

is biting me. I keep telling myself that I need to stop...break up this whole thing with Victor. But it's hard. My boyfriend (Chris) and I are having problems, and I know it's all about trust. To have faith. He wants to get married to me...but for some reason these last couple months have been really rocky. He believes in this whole "abstinence only" thing...and believe me, I did at one point as well. Now that I'm with Chris, I want to be with him, but I can't deal with him allowing us to do things and then turning around and changing his mind. It's okay for me to give him oral for three months, but then later it's not okay and we can't do anything. Vaginal sex is completely out of the question...but then anal is okay for awhile. Sorry for throwing out all of these terms, but you get it.

Then a couple of days ago he confessed to me that he had a porn addiction. That he has been lying to me about giving up porn...mind you I never even knew that he watched porn regularly until about a month ago. When he first told me, he said he used to watch it in the beginning of the year, but that he had stopped. Now a couple of nights ago he told me that he's still been watching it. He says that he is actually addicted to it. At first...I thought nothing of it, it's no big deal, it's just porn. But that's what it starts out as...just porn. But the fact that he does not have sex with me at all...and yet is so quick to watch porn is troubling to me. Do you see how are relationship is so messed up?

I wish that instead of watching all this fake stuff on his computer, he would do something with me. All of this stuff is a huge problem in the relationship because it drives me to do stuff with someone else. He knows this...I told him that his inability to do anything with me is going to drive me one day to get it from someone else. Well it all started with that Kenyan (Tom, which is a whole story on its own) about a month and a half ago. This was already after our one year anniversary...